Al Majlis

83/8, Soi Charoen Chai, Ekkamai Soi 12, 02-392-2345. Open daily 12:30pm-12:30am. www.almajlis-tearoom.com.
Originally built as a tearoom, there is also an alfresco area with a wine bar. Playing soft lounge music at conversation-friendly levels really makes this place more for romantic whispering than for riotous groups of buddies. You might hear the next table’s dirty talk, but then again, they might hear yours.

Shades of Retro

Next to Playground!, 08-1824-8011. Open Tue-Sun 2pm-midnight.
Retro shrine to the 50’s to the 70’s. The music is jazz and rock tunes from the golden age of these styles proudly played from the owner’s own collection. Everything in the house is up for sale. Though it claims to be a furniture shop, many chic young people occupy the venue. Remember, being a phuu dee means talking in a low voice—you’ll find no shouting here.

Sripoom

95 Chakrapong Rd., 02-281-4445. Open daily 9-1am.
This two-story bar serves Illy coffee and yummy cocktails day in and day out. Khao San tourists will pop in to read their Asian-themed pocketbooks or just chat with their friends. But Bangkokians come here too, for the slightly retro décor, the art exhibits and the good drinks. For the ultimate quiet, go to the second floor when it’s empty.

THE ZUK BAR

Lobby Level, The Sukhothai Hotel, South Sathorn Rd., 02-344-8725. Open daily Mon-Sat 4pm-1am, Sun noon-midnight.
Friendly, bright and airy hotel bar with conversational-friendly lounge music spun by a DJ right there behind the counter with the bartenders. Find young bachelors and late-night executives luring their dates out or finishing up smoking deals in the area—but all of it very hush hush.

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Don’t let your skin get dry and unhealthy, guys. Get your smooth baby skin back with the new NIVEA Body for Men Refreshing Moisturizing Repair. Its special formula and scent are exclusively designed for men. Enriched with vitamin E, aloe vera and glycerin, the lotion should make you the hottest boy in town. B159 for 400ml. Available at every branch of TOPS supermarket (Try TOPS Robinson Silom, 2 Silom Rd., 02-632-7525. www.tops.co.th.)

Working too hard? Rebalance and recharge your skin with a daily anti-fatigue moisturizer from Biotherm Homme. It contains concentrated moisture extracted from pure ginseng and oligo-vitamins. Once absorbed, the moisturizer will energize your face and lessen your wrinkles. Effective, but pricey—for a 50ml bottle, it will cost you B2,050. Available at Biotherm counters (Try M/F, Siam Paragon, 991/1 Rama1 Rd., 02-610-7759. www.biotherm.com.)

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Astra

Block C, Royal City Avenue, Rama 9 Rd., 08-9497-8422, 02-622-2572. Open daily 9pm-2am. www.club-astra.com.
When the place is full of punters on event nights, no one cares what is going on on the mezzanine. Take your chances and scream out loud if you want—everyone’s eyes are usually on the decks anyway.

Funky Dojo

105 Soi Patpong, 02-234-4259. Open daily 7pm-late. www.funkydojo.com.
Tucked away in the sub soi of Patpong, this place is very popular for Silom’s late night prowlers. Most of the time it’s so dark and dodgy, though, if a couple started writhing away in there, no one would even notice.

Hu’u Bar

The Ascott, 187 South Sathorn Rd., 02-676-6673. Open daily 6pm-1am. www.huuinasia.com
Though the place is normally quiet and quite hiso, the communal washbasins make suggestive eye contact easy...and just a few steps from the unisex stalls, too.

Mussel Bar Soi

Pridipanomyong 25, Sukhumvit 71, 08-1860-6408. Open daily 3pm-1am.
Set in mussel-like colors—orange, black and white—the hoi-centric creations could be considered aphrodisiacs for an interlude afterwards…

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Are you an incurable romantic or a loveless sociopath?

1. What is your definition of “romantic”?
a. Being 100% monogamous.
b. Being 99% monogamous.
c. Buying expensive stuff for your significant other.
d. Being able to do it 5 times in one night.

2. Love is:
a. Giving.
b. An emotional state caused by hormones in your body running amok.
c. A big, fat lie.
d. An illusion propagated by the government so we’ll have more babies who will become tax-paying workers. That’s the whole point, really.

3. People say “I love you” because they:
a. Are seriously in love! What’s wrong with you?
b. Want to get married and live boringly ever after.
c. Watch too much TV.
d. I don’t know. But it shuts her up.

4. Kissing is:
a. A very sweet act of affection.
b. An ideal moment to blush shyly and act innocent.
c. A prelude to some hotter action.
d. An unnecessary formality. Best done quickly with eyes closed.

5. Valentine’s Day is nearing. You:
a. Buy flowers and chocolates and book a table at a nice restaurant on the 14th.
b. Buy birth control.
c. Disappear.
d. Draw up a plan so I can see my five lovers in 24 hours.

6. Valentine’s is a great day for:
a. Promises.
b. Avoiding boring couples because they’re all out having dinner.
c. A Brazilian.
d. Sex.

7. Valentine’s Day was originally:
a. A holiday to celebrate the magic of love.
b. Just another Roman excuse for an orgy.
c. The church’s way of spoiling what was originally a perfectly good Roman orgy.
d. The brainchild of greeting card companies, chocolate makers and florists.

8. What is a “cupid”?
a. A cheeky cherub with a bare bum, whose arrow will make anyone fall in love with the first person they see.
b. Mascot for a brand of toilet paper.
c. A word that understandably rhymes with “stupid.”
d. Nickname for my…

9. In your Valentine’s card, you write:
a. A heart-breaking, self-penned love poem.
b. Some choice lines from a sonnet by Baudelaire.
c. Some choice lines from an R. Kelly song.
d. “There once was a woman from Wick…”

10. Which three words best epitomize Valentine’s Day?
a. Love and romance.
b. A night out.
c. Another stupid holiday.
d. Dinner, then sex.

11. What is your Valentine’s Day color?
a. Pink. My love is sweet and naïve.
b. Red. My love burns hot and is forever.
c. White. My love is pure.
c. Black. Like my heart.

12. Where are you going to book for dinner?
a. Le Vendome. Only the best for you, my sweet.
b. Le Steak. I’ve never heard of it either, but I heard it’s cheap.
c. Le Bouchon. If the date doesn’t pan out, at least I’ll be in Patpong.
d. Book? Why, are we going somewhere?

13. If you could take your tii-raak away for Valentine’s Day, where would you go?
a. Venice. For serenaded gondola tours.
b. Paris. Cheese and truffles are great aphrodisiacs.
c. Outer space. We’ve already done the mile high club.
d. Pattaya. Great seafood and golf.

14. It’s late, you’re at your front door, and you suddenly remember it’s Valentine’s Day. You…
a. Go in, admit my mistake and offer to cook dinner.
b. Run to 7-Eleven and pick up a bottle of Chang and a plastic-wrapped cake.
c. Steal flowers from a neighbor or the closest public park.
d. Take off my shirt, fold it into a bow and put it on my head.

15. Where is the best place in Bangkok to spend Valentine’s Day?
a. Vertigo. What a view. And imagine holding hands under the stars, far from the maddening crowd.
b. RCA. Too loud to talk and plenty of booze.
c. Vertigo. After coughing up that much cash, I expect to get something in return.
d. Soi Patpong. No need to take a date.

16. Your loved one has forgotten Valentine’s Day. You…
a. Collapse into a sobbing mess and sink into a long, dark depression that lasts months.
b. Make him/her take me to Le Normandie, where I order the most
expensive food on the menu.
c. Make a scene. At least the make-up sex will be good. Damn good.
d. Don’t notice. I forgot, too.

17. When you see hearts, you want to:
a. Fall in love.
b. Get one as a gift, preferably cut out of a diamond.
c. Do something about my cholesterol.
d. Fondle something heart-shaped.

18. Booty-calling an old flame on Valentine’s Day is:
a. Sad.
b. Lame but acceptable. Might as well get a little more mileage out of
the time we spent together.
c. Smart. S/he’s probably thinking the same thing.
d. Expected.

19. How will you spend the day after?
a. Call in sick and spend the day together.
b. Breakfast in bed, of course I cook.
c. Business as usual. Go to work—but with a big smile on my face.
d. Sneak out before he/she wakes up. After I erase my number from
his/her cell.

20. Your other half is very sick and calls you while you’re busy at work. You:
a. Stop my work immediately, run to the nearest pharmacy and get him/her every kind of medicine imaginable. In the name of love.
b. Tell him/her to quit bitching, take some Para and stop bothering me at work. Put in a nice way, of course.
c. Say, “Hello. Who is this?”
d. Rejoice. Freedom at last!

21. What is the ultimate gift?
a. Love.
b. A romantic holiday.
c. Chocolates, flowers and anything made of gold.
d. Swallowing.

The Verdict.
a. 1 point b. 2 points c. 3 points d. 4 points

 
21-36 Hopelessly Romantic. 37-49 In Love. 50-64 Faking it. Over 65 Just Want to Get Laid.

Are you still a virgin? What’s the deal here? Valentine’s Day was invented to sell greetings cards. Wake up!

 

OK, so you’re in love. FINE. Just stop being so obvious about it. Some of us are still single and deserve respect, too.

 

How’s sitting on that fence feel? Move up to the “In Love” category, or get real and downgrade to “Just want to get laid.”

 

Love? What’s that? Aren’t we all just animals that are trying to spread our DNA?

 

Non Alcoholic Pick Up Joints

Been alone for ages? Maybe you are looking in the wrong place. Check out these non-bar places and get yourself a lover, partner or gig this Valentine’s Day.

Starbucks, Thonglor 1 branch (237 Soi Thonglor (before Thonglor Soi 13), 02-712-9691. Open Sun-Thu 7am-10pm, Fri-Sat 7am-11pm. www.starbucks.co.th.)
If you are looking for a chance to meet with young execs or cute university students, look no further. This is a meeting point of stylish people who are willing to pay up to B200 for something to drink. But it’s a coffee shop, so take your time. As long as your target doesn’t order a take-away cup, you should have at least an hour to think of some way to approach them.

Fitness First Plus (3/F, Q House Lumpini Bldg., 1 South Sathorn Rd., 02-677-7131. Open Mon-Fri 6am-10pm, Sat-Sun 8am-9pm. www.fitnessfirst.co.th.)
Nothing is sexier than a good-looking guy in tight sportswear (well, if you don’t mind the smell). Girls, this one is just for you. Be sporty for a day, and walk up to a machine next to one your target is working on. Fumble with it and pretend not to know how to use it. If they don’t offer to help, just turn and say, “Hey, can you give me a hand with this? These things are so confusing for me.” Shazam! You’re talking (and maybe touching) already.

Villa Supermarket (J Ave, 593/5 Thonglor, 02-712-6000. Open daily 6am-midnight.)
At Villa, food and drink are not the only things you can put in your cart. Supermarkets are great for observing your dream guy/girl’s habits…or showing off some of your own. Put a few high quality, high ticket items in your basket—perhaps some French cheese or some B300 artichokes—then take a stroll. See what’s in your target’s basket, then come up to them and ask (without glancing up from your shopping list), where that item is, or another item of the same type (“Excuse me, do you know where they keep the extra virgin olive oil? Oh, you have some in your basket...”). Ice officially broken, carry on chatting like old friends.

TCDC (6/F, Emporium, 622 Sukhumvit Rd., 02-664-8448, Open Tue-Sun 10:30am-9pm. www.tcdc.or.th.)
If you opt for smart and classy types, this venue is the best. Take a look around its exhibition rooms for art and design lovers or apply for a membership and enjoy an eye-nourishing view plus good books in the library. Of course your approach has to be suitably bookish...but you’re a smart cookie, right?

Gourmet Market (G/F, Siam Paragon, 991/1 Rama 1 Rd., 02-610-9000. Open daily 10am-10pm.)
Similar to Villa, the luxurious supermarket at Paragon’s basement offers a wide variety of quality products...There are plenty of fish in this air-con sea, so go on, hook’em.

Flirting 101

The first step to being a successful flirt is to show that you’re attracted to a certain person. After all, when you are told someone likes you, doesn’t that elevate your opinion of them? Being the quirky creatures we are, there is no sure-fire, 100-percent-guaranteed way to know if someone is attracted to you. So why not try to let them know instead...

Eye To Eye Contact

This is the number one flirting signal; the gateway to an approach, so go on: look over there!

DO: Make eye contact briefly, a few times—keeping your gaze soft. If the object of your desire reciprocates, it means you’ve got their interest. (Or you’ve got pak chee in your teeth.)
DON’T: Stare. You’ll scare them! If they don’t return your initial gaze, all is not lost: See how that person interacts within a group. They may just be shy and hesitate to hold anyone’s gaze for long.

Be Yourself

So now, you’re more than faces in the crowd, what next? Find yourself next to them at the bar.
DO: Keep it simple—use natural openers such as “It’s a bit crowded in here, don’t you think?” Even if you feel obvious, these are recognized conversation starters, open questions that people can respond to.
DON’T: Use cheesy pick-up lines—even if you think you’re being funny and charming. It will only make you look predatory, and them feel cheap.

Tease

A bit of good-natured friction heightens tensions and raises expectations for later.
DO: Playfully tease them—but keep it light and fun.
DON’T: Make fun of their shortcomings—even if they do.

Slowly Slowly...

Most people like a bit of a chase, why not give it to them?
DO: Be subtle. Make them suspect you’re interested, but don’t let them know for sure.
DON’T: Be cryptic. Men and women do not share the same lines of logic: men often can’t read signals that women think are patently obvious, and vice versa.

The Look of Love

Confidence and charm can outweigh physical disadvantages, but try to find someone roughly as attractive as you: statistically, there’s a better chance you’ll stay together.

While women tend to underestimate their looks, men often overestimate theirs, because there are “less rigid” rules for men’s beauty. So girls, flirt with men who you think look better than you. And boys, bolster your flirting skills, you’re going to need them!

Reading the Signs

+ They preen themselves: little subconscious actions such as re-arranging or playing with clothing or hair. 

- The face smiles, but the arms are folded across the chest.

+ They keep entering your personal space.

- They’re leaning away.

+ Their body is open to you, closing off the rest of the room.

- Their head is facing you, but their body is turned somewhere (or toward someone) else.

10 Really Bad Pick-Up Lines

• Wanna see a trick I learned in prison?
• If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
• Are you religious? Cause you are the answer to all my prayers.
• I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
• I like the look of your crotch.
• You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
• You know what I like about you? My arms.
• Are my undies showing? Would you like them to?
• Your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a nice
set of buns.
• Do you know how to use a whip?

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Oh, My Darling

Especially made for this season of love, Guess has created a limited edition super-sweet pink leather watch just for you. Decorated with Swarovski crystals and pink heart-shaped glitters on its pure white dial, this is the right pick for a sassy young lass. B5,100. Limited to 50 pieces and available only at Central. (Try 1/F, Central Chidlom, 1027 Ploenchit Rd., 02-793-7777.)

Walk with Me

Looking for an original gift for this Valentine’s? Let Camper help you out. For those who are in love, Helena is the new shoe in their Valentine’s Day collection created exclusively for ladies. The eye-catching, red shiny Helena high heel will surely suit a confident girlfriend. B6,550. Available at all Camper stores. (Try 2/F, Central World, 999/9 Rama 1 Rd., 02-613-1551. www.camper.com.)

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Bar Yan Tree

55/11-22, Ratchadapisek Rd., 02-641-222. Open daily 8:30pm-2am
Just like your shisha, water bubbles under the transparent dance floor while you ogle the hired pretties dancing to commercial hip hop. Special light effects recreate thunder and lightening. Whoo! Shisha is available for B500 (1 hour).

Gazebo

Rooftop, 44 Jakrapong Rd., 02-629-0705. Open 8pm-late
Newly open in Khao San area, this one-of-a-kind Moroccan-styled bar boasts everything from food to booze and of course, shisha (B250). Stay tuned for a full review of this bar in a future issue of BK.

Indus

71 Sukhumvit Soi 26, 02-258-4900. Open daily 11am-midnight.
The bar section of this bar and restaurant is decorated in modern Moroccan style with a touch of dark red and black tones. Dance to Arabian tunes, plus there's a monthly Arabian Night. Shisha is available for B300 (small) and B600 (large).

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One and Only

The latest luxurious scent by Dolce & Gabbana is The One. To represent the temptation, passion and sexiness in women, the gold fragrance combines exotic flowers and fruit extracts including bergamot, solar accord, plum, lychee, muguet, jasmine and Madonna lily. This elegantly packaged bottle comes at B3,050/50ml. Available at Dolce & Gabbana counters (Try M/F, Siam Paragon, 991/1 Rama1 Rd., 02-610-9332/-5.)

Soft Scent

Reveal your sweet charm with the new Femme by BOSS. Designed to give you a super feminine feeling, its natural scent is extracted from fresh fruits and flowers including tangerine, rose freesia and rose petals. B2,400/ 50ml. Sweeten your life today at any Hugo BOSS counter (try 1/F, Central Chidlom, 1027 Ploenchit Rd., 02-793-7777).

Women in Love

Making you feel like a dream upon waking with its extracts from star anise, rose and freesia, Light Rose is the latest fragrance by Jaspal and a good choice for romantic ladies. B1,295/ 50ml. Available at Jaspal Stores (Try 2/F, Central World, 999/9 Rama1 Rd., 02-255-9554.)

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Snag low prices in high waters at Sapan Poot

Since its inauguration in 1932 on the occasion of the 150th anniversary of the Rattanakosin era, Rama 1 Memorial Bridge (a.k.a. Sapan Poot) has been one of the most popular trading centers in town. By day, the bridge is but a link between Phranakorn and Thonburi, but when night falls, it turns into a busy, packed marketplace where you can find all kinds of clothes from secondhand jeans to hip T-shirts and even get your portrait, a tattoo or a piercing.

Being an early bird is not a good idea here. Most stalls open around 7pm and peak time doesn’t start until 9pm or a bit earlier on Fridays and Saturdays. The market stays packed with people as late as 1-2am. Be warned that the market is closed every Monday.

There are many buses that stop there or nearby, but a cab is still the best option if you are not in the mood for a little stroll. Starting at the Phranakorn end of the bridge, you’ll find a heap of stalls along both sides of the street, one of which deserves special mention. Facing the river, turn left, then walk for 200 meters and you’ll find it on your left. There lie T-shirts with catchy quotes usually found on the back of trucks (B100, and cheaper if you know how to bargain). We loved the “Rakna Dek-ngow” one.

From there, go straight to the guitar shop (08-1711-9554) that not only sells axes (both acoustic and electric at B790-890) but also harmonicas (B120-220) and guitar strings, and provides guitar repair services. Go on for about 100 meters and you’ll see a junction on your left where Sapan Poot River Market has recently opened. This clean and wide building gives off a great impression but it turns out that the three-story plaza is just too new. The first floor is literally empty while all the sellers on the second floor abandon their shops to watch soaps on a TV near the landing. Seems working people, students and dek naew alike enjoy street-side secondhand stuff more.

In front of the plaza, there are lots of secondhand shoes and bags but also some new things. One interesting stall sells brand new authentic Converse All Stars at cheaper rates than department stores. Prices are B750-1,990, depending on the style.

Like Chatuchak, cute trinkets can be found, too. Stroll down the road and take a tour of the back rows where you’ll find some nice pieces like at Tien Hom Tee Sud Nai Lok (08-1692-7713) that sells fragrant candles in handmade pots (B59 and B120). One stall nearby sells handmade key chains (08-9151-1430/-7, B39 and B59). And another has numerous styles of dog clothing (08-7925-5593), with prices ranging from B50-550.

Hungry? Take a short break after shopping and walk back to the junction. Kai Pla Mueg Naam Jim Rod Ded’s (08-4909-7423) fried squid eggs’ foamy sauce is truly delicious (B20-30). To refresh yourself, keep an eye out for passing trolleys. You may see Chaoguay Lanyamo, a cart stocked with glasses of Thai-style black jelly on ice.

Do’s & Don’t’s

Do: Bargain. It’s a must.

Don’t: Go alone. It’s a night market, you could get pickpocketed at any time, or even buy the wrong size.

Do: Wear light clothes, take a fan and
carry a bottle of water. It’s hot.

Don’t: Think about taking a bus to Thonburi side and walk here to save some money. It’s a hassle and not worth it.

Do: Check before you buy. Some goods may be broken, tainted or irreparably ugly.

Don’t: Go on Monday. It’s closed!

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Studio Bar

Pathumwan Princess Hotel, Phyathai Rd., 02-216-3700 ext 20133
While enjoying the 10-man jazz band, The JRP, after a long hard day of shopping, in Siam or MBK, unwind with a wine buffet for B790. Enjoy as much as you want of their selection of five wines (two red, two white and one sparkling). Sun, 5-7pm. Through Feb 25.

Aldo’s

The Ascott Bldg., 187 South Sathorn Rd., 02-676-6982, www.cascadeclubandspa.com/aldos/.
Grab one of the outdoor salas, let a gentle breeze sway you into a Mediteranien mood, and sample some of Aldo’s famous pastas. To quench your first, go for free-flow wine B1,300 (non-member) and B990 (member). This month, a collection of Chardonnay wines from diverse countries are offered (you can call for the exact selection of wines). No music here—just wind and wine. Fri-Sun, 6-10pm.

Bacchus

20/6-7 The Ruam Rudee Village, Ploenchit Rd., 02-650-8986. Open daily 5pm-1am.
This venue sports a stylish contemporary interior, luscious food made with the most precious ingredients, and nightly lounge music. There’s also a wine bar boasting more than 200 different bottles but if you have no idea what to get, or are very thirsty, go for the wine buffet. At B699, you get three red, three white and one sparking wine to choose from, hailing from Chile, Australia, Italy and France. Mon-Fri, 5:30-8pm.

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As the host of Bangkok Poetry Night and author of Last Tango in Aberystwyth and the forthcoming Don’t Cry for Me Aberystwyth, Malcolm Pryce knows a thing or two about big words.

Favorite Bangkok noise:
The "chop, chop" sound when the immigration official stamps your passport and lets you back into the country.

When writer's block strikes:
I stare into the mirror and mouth the words, "You’re a failure, you’ll never write another word again." It seems to work.

Reading:
Solzhenitsyn, Thomas Mann, Rilke, T.S. Eliot, anything by me.

On Bangkok Poetry Night groupies:
We need more.

Stupidest trend: 
TV commercials in lifts. And inside the Skytrain. In fact, anywhere except on TV.

Favorite crowd: 
Saigon schoolgirls.

Fail-safe crowd pleaser:
The best way to please a crowd, in my experience, is to lynch someone.

People always assume I’m: 
No idea.

But I’m really: 
I’m sure they’re right.

Idol:
Guy Fawkes

Advice for 2007:
Find out the truth about 9/11: 911smokingguns.com

Freestlyle us a little ditty: 
You’ll have to speak to my agent.

www.bangkokpoetry.com

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