The Experts
Name: “Nong Dew” (The Coyote)
Relationship Status: In between “relationships”
Expertise: At the age of 19, college student Dew probably already has more experience with men than your mom. Why? She’s a coyote dancer at Neverland gentlemen’s club. For real advice (including on things that take place in the sack), she’s your new best friend. Hey, if guys are ready to pay top baht for an hour in her company (and away from their wives), she can definitely offer us a few tips on sex and relationships.
Name: Nikki Assavathorn (The Matchmaker)
Relationship Status: A Newlywed
Expertise: Nikki founded MeetNLunch to make dating among busy Bangkok professionals a less agonizing experience. She is the first Thai to receive a certified license from the Matchmaking Institute of South East Asia, in Singapore. Nikki herself has been very lucky in love. She recently walked down the aisle with the love of her life, Chrisada Sookdhis.
Name: Deepak and Aruna Butani (The Veterans)
Relationship Status: Married
Expertise: A three-decade-long intercultural relationship makes this couple experts on matters of the heart in our book. Deepak and Aruna Butani celebrated their 25th anniversary last year. He was born and brought up in Pune, India in a non-traditional Indian family while she is third generation Chinese born in Bangkok. They met at work over 30 years ago and are now happily married with two successful daughters.
Name: Dr. Yothin Wichetwichai (The Shrink)
Relationship Status: Married
Expertise: Dr. Yothin is a resident psychiatrist at Samitivej Hospital Sukhumvit. For two years, he’s been treating patients suffering mostly from depression and anxiety. Of course, he also knows a thing or two about relationships and the intimate problems of couples. Need more credentials? Dr. Yothin has been happily married for four years.
Name: Nicky N. (The Virgin)
Relationship Status: Single
Expertise: After interning at BK Magazine, Nicky decided he’d had enough with photographing sushi and indie rock stars and went on to become an oiler for slightly less reputable publications which show men wearing very small, tight underwear. What’s an oiler? The guy that rubs oil on men’s bodies for the risqué photo shoots. He’s still single AND a virgin, and is now working at a “modeling” agency.
Name: Danny Foo (The Pastor)
Relationship Status: Married
Expertise: The 40-year-old Singaporean preacher started his Godly mission 20 years ago. Pastor Danny later brought his passion for youth counseling to Thailand and has been living here for nine years. He’s now happily married with three daughters and will be celebrating his 6th anniversary in April.
Q: When we bump into her friends whom I’ve never met, she never introduces me and just lets me stand there. Is she just impolite or is she ashamed of me?
Nikki: She definitely didn’t do that to be impolite. Sometimes, we all take the things that are closest to us for granted. She was just excited to see her friends and is probably so used to having you around that it just slipped her mind. Do let her know how you feel though, and you are guaranteed to get plenty of introductions.
Deepak: I guess she is happy to see her friends and almost forgets to introduce you. If this happens once in a while, it’s ok, but if it’s all the time, you have to point it out to her for next time. Another option is, take the liberty of introducing yourself.
Dr. Y: It could be both. You should ask her directly why she never introduces you to her friends. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, then that should be a clue.
Danny: Sometimes women can be unsure and when they are in doubt, they may not want their friends to know about you. It may be unconscious behaviour on her part and you need to speak to her about how you feel.
Q: He’s livelier when he’s out with his guy friends and all quiet when he’s with me. Is it me?
Dew: He has to be himself, whether with friends or with you. If he’s not happy with you, then why are you with him at all?
Nikki: No, it’s him. It’s that special relationship they have with their buds they just can’t have with a woman. But the fact that he is quiet towards you could be a sign of boredom in your relationship. Make an effort to show an interest in what he likes, but don’t try to be like one of his pals, you’re not one of the guys.
Aruna: Maybe you have to make him livelier at home as well by talking to him, passing compliments on his accomplishments or even taking an interest in the things he likes.
Nicky: It’s not you. Maybe he’s just trying to appear proper and decent around you. But give him some time, he will start to loosen up.
Danny: Don’t be too hard on yourself, most guys are naturally comfortable when they are with their male friends. But as you show an interest in what he likes or excites him, he will probably end up talking more than you like.
Q: I’m a girl, I usually like guys but, recently, I’ve been attracted to a girl. What should I do?
Dew: What do you like about her? Her personality or her body? If the latter, then I think you’ve got the answer.
Nikki: Being attracted to someone does not always equal loving someone in a romantic way. Ask yourself what kind of attraction you feel towards her? Friendly love? Or something more?
Nicky: Well everyone can have a change of heart!
Danny: It is not uncommon for a young lady to be attracted to another person of the same sex. Do not be too quick to judge or find the feeling weird. Often the attraction could be nothing more than admiration.
Q: My girlfriend and I have been together for four years and I feel like we’re now less of a romantic couple but rather best friends. We haven’t done couple stuff for a while now. Should we end it or keep things as they are?
Dew: Don’t ruin what you already have. If he’s happy like this and you’re happy like this, then there’s no need to change anything. But once one of you starts wanting something more, maybe it’s time to end it.
Nicky: Then just be friends. You’re only depriving yourself, and him, of real romance. If you don’t have any feelings for him in that way anymore then it won’t hurt.
Danny: Do not end things so quickly. Rather, begin to ask yourself where do you want this relationship to go? If there seems no future for you two, both of you need to have a good conversation about the future. There is still so much to discover in a relationship other than kissing, making out and romance.
Q: His porn annoys me. He has magazines, DVDs and internet bookmarks. How much is too much and how do I tell him to cut it down?
Dew: The magazines and the DVDs are tolerable. But if he starts going into Camfrog, that’s a deal breaker. The problem is not with you. Your boyfriend is just a freak.
Nikki: If it starts to take over his life, it might be time to have a serious talk about a possible addiction. If not, he at least has a strong desire for sex. If you want him to quit his porn, you’ll have to give him that stimulation.
Nicky: Want him to get over it? Video yourself and him next time you do it. Then make him watch it—see how long he can take it.
Q: My partner for four years got a really good job opportunity in another country. I am pretty happy with my job here. What should we do?
Dew: Let him go. Work always comes first. You should not deprive him of a good opportunity. If you guys really love each other, give a long distant relationship a try.
Deepak: You should try your best to get a job in that country or join him. If it’s not what you want, then you have to live apart for those four years and meet as often as you can.
Danny: In this situation, both of you need to decide what the next step is. I believe one of you has to make the decision, compromise and even sacrifice.
Q: I’m attracted to someone from a different religion and my parents disagree. What should I do?
Dew: If you were both religious, the relationship wouldn’t have happened in the first place. But again, family comes first for me.
Nikki: Try introducing him to your parents in ways that showcase his personality instead of his religious convinctions. If they cannot accept their daughter finding happiness with a man with a good heart, whatever religion, they might have to review their beliefs.
Q: He used to be so loving but he’s changed. He rarely kisses me anymore. What’s going on?
Dew: If he really loves you, his feelings will not change. Ask him if there’s anything that’s bothering him and if you can, work that out together to improve it. If he doesn’t care to do anything then don’t waste your time being with somebody who doesn’t care about you.
Aruna: What about you? If he doesn’t kiss you, do you kiss him?
Nicky: Well, did you change your perfume?
Danny: Have you ever asked him why? Is it possible that now he prefers to express his love in other ways? Have a chat with him and remember to have a mint in your mouth.
Q: He still talks to and Facebooks his ex. He’s not hiding it but I still feel uncomfortable.
Dew: Even if they remain good friends, he should respect you and you should tell him that it hurts your feelings. He’s with you now. If he can’t forget about her, it’s a sign that he’s not over her.
Nikki: The fact that he’s being honest with you means a lot. It’s pretty normal for you to feel uncomfortable with him talking to his ex. Don’t let this doubt grow out of control and drag your relationship down.
Dr. Y: It’s very normal that you feel uncomfortable. However, if you think positively about it, at least he’s honest. You should at least appreciate that, as other guys would have done the opposite. But if you really feel uncomfortable, you should talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he cares about you and wants to have a future with you, he will find a way to make you happy.
Nicky: It’s OK as long as you know he’s not going to go anywhere. At least he’s honest about it. But if the things they talk about get out of hand, then maybe it’s time to prepare for a battle.
Q: My boyfriend has never been anything but faithful, but I still don’t trust him around his girl friends.
Dew: If he’s never had a history of cheating, then there’s nothing to worry about. And if you also have guy friends of your own, it is unreasonable to do this to him.
Nikki: If you admit he’s been nothing but faithful then there should be no doubts in your mind. Ask yourself what makes you feel jealous and deal with it, because if jealousy persists it can create distrust in a relationship—it’s a common relationship killer.
Danny: You need to ask yourself whether you have had any bad experiences with other relationships before or have you ever been betrayed by him? You need to also observe what are the things that make you so uncomfortable about him when he is with his girl friends? Does he flirt with them or does he behave unbecomingly? If so, then you need to point this out to him.
Q: Her personality is great but she’s got a lot to learn when it comes to sex. How do I teach her?
Dew: Don’t just flat out say that she sucks. When you guys are at it, just guide her and suggest. And of course, practice makes perfect!
Nikki: Open communication is very important in your sex life. If it’s not satisfactory, discuss it outside of your love making sessions and take the lesson with you next time.
Nicky: The best way I think is to just show her porn, it can be movies or internet sites. It’s easy to learn!
Danny: The act of sex or physical union is more than a five-minute orgasm. I strongly feel that to even suggest teaching a woman about sex or express her inability can be very offensive and degrading. Add to that, all it takes for you as a man is to merely squirt it out and your satisfaction is fulfilled. I hope you will respect her as a person and not merely an object of pleasure.
Q: He’s very nice but I feel like he’s too young, what should I do to help me get passed the age issue?
Dew: The age doesn’t matter; it’s the personality. If he’s still a child, he will only annoy you like a brother. If he’s mature for his age, and above 18, then go for it.
Deepak: Age is not a factor in love, it is just a figure, forget it and be happy with him.
Dr. Y: He may be too young for you, but he may also be more mature than you think. But if you still have difficulties, you may need to ask yourself how much impact does his age have on you?
Nicky: Who cares about the age? I mean if you can attract a younger person then there’s something about you that is obviously appealing to fresh young things. You should be proud!
Danny: Dating a younger man (I hope he is not a minor) can be quite complex. You need to determine how far this relationship can go. As you grow older, insecurity may hit you like a storm.
Q: My partner’s appetite for sex has recently increased. I don’t understand why?
Dew: Don’t always jump to the conclusion that he’s cheating. Give yourself some credit; maybe it’s because of you?
Nikki: Maybe he’s watching more naughty clips or it’s hormones but your partner is directing his/her appetite for sex towards you. That should be considered a big compliment. Go and get it on.
Nicky: It could mean that you’ve been giving him better service.
Danny: Both men and women have different sexual peaks as they age. It should not be alarming unless your partner has been seeing someone else or having other sexual fantasies that’s making him crave for more of it. Check with him or her.
Q: My boyfriend has recently become really aggressive if I get close when he’s on the computer or when I ask him where he is. What’s wrong?
Nikki: Take a look at your own behavior. How often you checkup on him might play a big role in his reaction. Nobody likes an overly possessive partner. Then again if you only check up on him once a month, he might have something to hide on his computer…
Aruna: Don’t ask him when he is busy on his computer, you should have a better way of asking him his whereabouts, maybe if you give him more space, that may work.
Q: We always fight about the smallest things. Most of the time we don’t even remember what it was all about in the first place, but it’s hurting us. How should we talk about this without starting another fight?
Dew: When you see a fight coming, try to hold your tongue. If he’s the one picking fights, ask him what the problem is. If he doesn’t listen, just dump him. You don’t have to waste your time.
Nikki: When you fight about these small matters there is usually an underlying reason. Instead of criticizing each other, bring your complaint forward in an honest and constructive way. And try to stay calm! Your tone of voice is an important factor in how someone else responds.
Deepak: In love and war, you always fight. However, the best way of not picking a fight is to overlook the weaknesses of each other and appreciate the good qualities. Basically, it is understanding that matters the most between true soul mates.
Danny: There are many ways to approach this but one must always bear in mind that most men can be too objective and disregard how a woman really feels while women can be extremely emotional. Both parties must be accommodating and understand that they are dealing with the issues and the differences; it is not personal attacks. In fact, if a couple is willing to discuss the problem then half the battle is already won.
Q: I suggested a threesome to my boyfriend and now I regret it. It seems he liked her more than me in bed. What do I do now?
Dew: You should have prepared yourself before even suggesting it. If this happened to me, I would just let him be with her, if sex is a big deal for him. And no, I wouldn’t suggest an open relationship.
Nikki: Find a guy for a foursome, see how things turn out.
Nicky: Then what’s the point of being so sad? If it can happen to him, it can happen to you. Bring another guy next time and see what happens.
Danny: What you did would only gain you the “Best Girlfriend Award” nominated by most men in the world. How low can one go to even think of winning a man’s heart by the performance in bed?
Q: We’ve been together for three years and we’re still very much in love. But sometimes I feel like there’s nothing more to explore in bed. How can we make it more interesting?
Nikki: There is always something to explore in bed, you can always spice things up by taking it outside of the bedroom. Sex is a serious part in maintaining a healthy relationship so don’t stop.
Danny: If you are thinking whips and leather or porno movies, then I can tell you now, it will never work. If you think there isn’t anything for you to look forward to in bed then I suggest looking for things that are outside of the bed. Ask yourself how much you know the person, her personality, her character and passion. If not, go for an adventure with her, you may discover a gem that you have never seen before about her.
Q: I’m marrying a twice-divorced guy,
should I worry?
Dew: If you’re not sure, why did you say yes? You should find out what caused the previous relationships to fail. He needs to learn from his mistakes and change. If not, you’re gonna end up being the third.
Dr. Y: Before jumping into matrimony, take this opportunity to share everything with each other. If you’re wondering why he divorced twice, you should ask him frankly and listen to his answer carefully. If the reasons sound appropriate or reasonable, it will help you make your decision. Remember one thing: the past is important but there’s nothing more important than the here and now.
Danny: I do not usually approve of divorce but in reality there are many people today that are unable to hold on to a commitment. It is imperative to know his reasons but do not go merely on what he says. Careful understanding and even investigating is necessary so you don’t end up as number three.
