This is Dick Cooper reporting for BFN, live from the war torn streets of Bangkok. For those who aren’t clear, that’s in Asia, that big clump of land west of San Francisco. From our position [sounds of gunshots] holed up in the besieged FCCC, we have been witnessing a desperate deterioration of the situation. After shutting down transportation countrywide, the unions have now joined the millions of frenzied PAD protesters already rampaging through the streets and are randomly setting fire to Isaan restaurants and posters of gubernatorial candidate Chuwit riding on a motorcycle taxi (whose drivers all vote for Prime Minister in exile Thaksin Shinawatra). Students have also entered the fray by skipping more classes than usual and getting shot in non-vital organs.

As the clashes continue, Thaksin’s beleaguered Vice-Prime Minister Mr. Samak has promised to get a grip on the situation by canceling all cooking show appearances and sending in the army to defend democracy. The military, however are supposedly stalling until they get a new BMW for everyone above the rank of captain. Plus, they’ve told Mr. Samak to add a clause in the constitution that says you can’t say bad things about people in uniforms, ever, unless you’re a soldier talking about a policeman.

As the state of emergency continues to paralyze the city, stock markets have plummeted and the soaring prices of commodities prompted one taxi driver to eat his five children before blaming it on “political stress.” Communications have been shut down and the press threatened with a screening of Boonchu 9 in case they cover anything that doesn’t come from Thailand Tourism Authority press releases. Bangkokians have also been banned from gathering in groups of more than one and phrases like “Don’t these people have jobs?” and “Will the office be closed? That would be cool” are strictly prohibited.

As darkness falls over this city, and the sound of the mob outside reaches a baying crescendo, only time will tell how many more will have to suffer during this Siamese Civil War. In the meantime I’ll hand you back to the studio where, in other news, Senator Palin gives some pointers on moose hunting with a bazooka.