Dear Ms. Ho, I have a very active lifestyle, and this includes my love life (many people, many places…). Problem is, I’m running out of steam, and being an environmentally conscious guy (I just saw An Inconvenient Truth), I wonder if, with my comings and goings, my carbon footprint is getting way too big. How much energy does an active sex life consume? Am I destroying the planet in pursuit of p*ssy?—Globally Aware Stud

Dear GAS, Sex consumes energy. If you’re just sky-training back and forth across the city for your assignations, the environmental impact is small. But let’s say you’re driving your 2007 Ferrari F430 all around town and on long weekends you go away. Even if you drive less than 10,000 km this year,  you’re still responsible for emitting nearly four tons of carbon. You’re still flying frivolously?? That’s so last decade. Use a webcam. You’re contributing to the emission of over two tons of CO2 just to visit that cutie in Europe, and over three tons to get to New York—and that’s just one-way. Try www.offsetmylife.org to find out exactly how much havoc your active lifestyle is wreaking on the polar ice caps.

Other ways to not destroy the planet in pursuit of p*ssy is to cut down on daily energy use, buy eco-friendly condoms (don’t recycle these just yet), no CFCs or ozone-destroying deodorant sprays, etc. Luckily, romance is a candlelit low-energy thing, so keep those lights down while you present your babe with her new solar powered sex toy that incidentally also takes the pressure off of you as you use it to tickle her, massage her back and thighs, moving nearer and nearer her spreading excitement, while containing your own energy.

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