Save The Corporations

July 11th, 2008

At the Shady Lady Ranch, a brothel in Nevada, soaring gas prices recently prompted a new promotion; you get a gas voucher if you spend more than US$300 on their “services.” You know business is really bad when people start paying you to come spend money at their venue. Well, our very own Nevada has just followed suit. At the Amari Orchid Pattaya, a very respectable hotel mind you, you can now get a B999 “gas cashback” if you book two nights. Sure, gas vouchers have been around since forever in the Kingdom—it’s just that they used to be handed out exclusively to tuk tuk drivers in exchange for white bodies. Now, they’re for us, too. See, the most democratic force in the country could well be inflation.

One company that doesn’t plan on handing out gas vouchers, even if your travel plans include the use of brothels once you reach your destination, is Nok Air. The embattled low-cost carrier, half-owned by THAI, is now saying it would have to shut down entirely if oil prices were to reach US$160 a barrel. So please, everyone, if you’re given a gas voucher, mail it to the big yellow bird—it needs them more than you do.

Not worried yet? THAI has already cancelled it’s BKK-JFK direct, so if you don’t want your weekend options to dwindle down to Thonburi (the furthest anyone at BK has ever ridden a bicycle to), it’s time to support your local carriers. Other donation ideas for THAI, in no particular order: your old TV (maybe they can build it into the seat facing you, for those old planes they still haven’t upgraded), your hot cousin (everyone likes cute cabin crew), BK’s “Thai Hate Thai” issue (so that they can start treating their compatriots like human beings).

While we’re listing corporations that need your help, and since chances are you’re sitting in one as you read this, Starbucks is closing 600 outlets in the U.S. Now they’re obviously not suffering from gas prices—getting from one Starbucks to the next is usually a one-minute walk—so what can you do to help? Educate them. Tell them Italians don’t put bananas, green tea and caramel into their coffee. Tell them you actually feel like having a coffee now and then, not a giant smoothie. Tell them you love them, but that they better shape up or they’ll be handing out BTS vouchers before they know it.