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Bo*, 25, an unemployed university grad, just had what he would consider the ideal erotic encounter. No expensive dinner was involved, no awkward morning-after breakfast—just a satisfied libido and a few good memories to savor with his new no-strings-attached gig. Oh, and when he gets back home to his girlfriend, at 5am, he’s not even going to lie.
Both girls know. Bo warned them both about the situation from the get-go. One is the official girlfriend; the other is just a side dish—one of many. Bo prefers this to a life lived by scores of others who simply cheat on their significant other: He’s in an open relationship.
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*Not his real name. For obvious reasons, all of the names in this article are aliases. They all live in Bangkok.
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Opening Up
In the good old days, western bourgeois men had mistresses, Japanese their geishas and Thais their mia nois, etc. But the fun was always to be had by men, and it was always kept under wraps. Today, greater economic equality has contributed to greater gender equality, and it’s no longer just men who are getting a little on the side.
Open relationships are relationships where one or both primary partners (or more if the relationship includes more than a couple) are having sex outside of the relationship. Our friend Bo’s girlfriend is fully aware of the fact that he sees other women—and she accepts the proposition. In fact, Bo made sure that his girlfriend was on board at the outset by letting her know of his unwillingness to be in a monogamous relationship.
“I’m not the type who can commit. So if she wants a relationship with me, she has to accept the fact that she’s not going to be the only one,” says Bo. “I couldn’t ever stay true to one girl. I think all men are like that. It’s our nature.” And being honest saves Bo the guilt of cheating. “Honesty is the key to a successfulopen relationship because once you start fooling around behind your partner’s back, it’s cheating.”
Open relationships come in all shapes and sizes. Most of the time, it’s a couple where one or both partners fool around on the side, or together in threesomes. But others have arranged to spend weekendswith one person and weekdays with another—with all parties in the know. In the 60s, in the US, there were even communal models with up to three couples sharing beds, kids and resources, all under one roof.
Twenty-three-year-old Pan is in a gay relationship where both partners play around. It wasn’t exactly what he had in mind when he started dating his boyfriend, though. “At first, I couldn’t take it. I thought we were in a monogamous relationship.But obviously, he didn’t think so. When I would see other guys, I wanted to have sex with them, but I had a boyfriend so I thought, ‘I can’t do that.’ But after we had a talk about being in an open relationship, I would just go for it.”
Public admission of being in an open relationship is often met with shock and disbelief. People in open relationships might be honest with each other, but that doesn’t mean they have to be honest with you. Pan’s friends know he’s gay but not that he’s in an open relationship.
Guys have it considerably easier in that department than girls. Women risk being labeled promiscuous. Jan, 23, who works in customer service, told us, “I try to stay discreet, but when others find out, there’s not much I can do about it. Some girls will even go up to a guy I like to ‘warn’ him. I don’t care what others think, though; I only try to explain the situation to the guys I’m with.”
Why Go Open?
According to Torpong, “Sex Huay” columnist from Mars magazine, “In today’s society where people prefer to not be owned, or be in a committed relationship, many opt to satisfy their sexual needs freely as well.”
“Monogamous relationships are boring,” complains Jan. She tells her boyfriends outright that they won’t have her to themselves, sometimes keeping two at a time or picking up old relationships where she left off. “I’m not owned by anybody. I can be myself and do whatever I want. There’s no need to commit to one person. I may see a guy regularly, but I make it clear to him how I feel.”
Apart from freedom, there’s also the advantage of being honest. “Would you eat at the same restaurant every day?” Bo asks. “I can’t do the same girl all year round. But I’m being honest about it, so it’s not cheating. Cheating is when you’re with your gig when your girlfriend thinks you’re at a family dinner. I don’t do that.”
Jan doesn’t rule out going back to monogamy, but she’s not very excited about the idea either. “Some people believe you have to commit to one person no matter what, even if you’re not happy. I’d rather be happy. It’s going to be very hard for me to stay in a stable monogamous relationship.”
Pan feels the freedom offered by an open relationship strengthens the bond he shares with his privileged partner. “My partner and I have more understanding for each other this way. We get to share everything. I can’t imagine being in a monogamous relationship. Then again, I’ve never really been in one before.”
Rules of Engagement
Despite the apparent freedom afforded to individuals in unconventional relationships, ground rules are still important. Pan and his boyfriend don’t sleep apart and don’t allow their paramours a place in their private lives: no phones calls, no meetings and no regular sex buddies. It’s just “do it” then “forget it.”
Bo feels differently and regularly engages in extra-relational slumber parties. “Being in an open relationship is a warning to her that I can’t be around 24/7. This keeps her from becoming too needy,” he says.
Lewis, 28, a market research executive, agrees that honesty is essential. “Be truthful from the start, tell the other person that this is an open relationship and that both should commit to one another exclusively,” he advises.
Being truthful doesn’t mean sharing all of the gory details, however. Wan, 25, an account executive, lets her fiancé play around with other girls, saying she wouldn’t want him to have to suffer as a result of her wish to remain a virgin until marriage. “He has express permission to do whatever he wants, but I don’t want to know.”
The ways in which open relationships are enjoyed can vary wildly. While Bo plays alone, other couples prefer to share the fun. Swinging, or couples engaging one or more guests for sex, exists everywhere, but local legislation has driven the whole thing underground (see box). “Threesomes are more exciting than just going off and playing on your own, even though we do that too,” Pan says. “In a threesome, you can see your partner with other guys. That’s a turn-on. Being watched turns me on, too.”
The Dark Side
For some, there is a moral issue. Torpong warns, “Open relationships, mia nois, gigs—whatever you want to call them, are of course immoral according to most religious and societal norms. Infidelity is wrong in almost every religion out there. It’s not an act worthy of humans. It’s animal behavior.”
For some, sex with people other than their partners is a source of guilt. “I cannot say I have no fear of sin at all. Every time I am with another guy, I think about my partner and I feel guilty. And when you feel guilty, the sex is not good,” Pan says.
In addition to morality, there is also the issue of mental health. In a 2006 article on open relationships in Australian daily The Age, experts compared the inability to remain faithful to other forms of addiction: “Sex can be ‘used exactly like a drug,’ says (Dr. Giselle) Solinski — a form of escapism that allows people to temporarily forget stressful issues while supposedly advancing their sense of self-worth.”
Lewis worries about the shallowness of it all. “Many mental health practitioners believe this kind of relationship is unnatural, that the natural thing is to be with one spouse at a time. They claim open relationships lead to internal emptiness and a lack of foundation.”
Even guys like Bo feel this way. “Though it’s fun, the happiness is fleeting. I hope that I will eventually find someone to fulfill all of my needs.”
There’s also the looming specter of HIV and other STDs. Many people in open relationships have unprotected sex with their privileged partner. If they also have unprotected sex with their casual partners, the risks rapidly multiply, putting the lives of all parties involved at risk. “I have unprotected sex with my partner, but I play safe with others. I don’t think I’m taking a risk because I believe he does the same thing,” says Pan.
Jealousy can be another stumbling block—but Wan doesn’t seem to see the problem at all. “I don’t feel jealous. I know what he’s doing. I was the one who told him to do it, so there’s no need to feel jealous. This way he can love me and not hate me for smothering him.”
But the picture is not always so rosy. “This one guy I dated had a girlfriend who threw acid onto another girl’s face,” recalls Jan. “When I found out I just fled.” Bo is careful, too. “The girls I meet, the more yummy they look the more vicious they are. And they could very well be in a relationship with someone powerful. Then you’re in for big trouble.” Even Pan has his moments of doubt. “I’m always afraid that I’m going to have sex with some other guy and fall in love with him and that the same thing would happen to my boyfriend.”
“If there’s jealousy, that may mean that the person is not ready for an open relationship. Talk about it, commit, and if all else fails, break it off,” advises Lewis.
Some assume that people in open relationships must somehow love each other a little bit less than others, since they can’t make the commitment of sexual fidelity. But love is impossible to quantify. Perhaps open relationships are a form of self-defense for the hopelessly romantic, so that when it all ends, you have less to lose. That’s how Jan is dealing with her series of temporary loves: “If I’m not serious, I’m giving him permission to do the same thing. At least we’re even. Nobody gets used. Still, I find I need to remind myself of the contract so that I don’t get upset over him, cry and feel hurt.”
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howto...CONVINCE YOUR PARTNER
Maybe you’ve made “Open” the contract with a blunt one-liner like, “Sorry honey, but I can’t eat the same thing every day.” But if you’re already in a monogamous relationship, how do you break it to him or her without facing the threat of permanent lockdown?
STEP 1. DIRTY TALK
Start off in the privacy of your home with some innocent questions. “Have you ever fantasized about other guys or girls having sex with us?” If he says yes, great, you’re ready for Step 2. If he says, “No, are you crazy?”, you can always fall back on “I just wanted to know if you’re a sicko.”
STEP 2. THE MARKET
Fantasizing is one thing, but it’s a different story when you look at it from a real-life perspective. Now’s the time to start asking your loved one how they feel about what might be acceptable. “Look at this girl—you think she’s cute?” If you get slapped, you might need to go back to Step 1 to understand what really makes her/him tick. If you get an enthusiastic, “Wow, she’s hot!”, keep scouting until you find a good candidate.
STEP 3. DOUBLE THE FUN OR DOUBLE THE TROUBLE
Lots can and will go wrong in an open relationship. Be sure to pick a third person who is not your boss, your neighbor, your sister or your ex. In other words, pay even closer attention to the rules that apply to casual sex. Respecting others might be the key to one-on-one sex, but for a threesome, thinking of the new guy/girl as a living, breathing sex toy is actually your best bet. Keep emotions out of it.
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WHEN IS IT “CHEATING”?
In an open relationship, many things that would normally be considered cheating are perfectly acceptable. But not all things. Look at the following and ask yourself what you would label cheating.
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CHARTING CHEATING
Every country has cheaters—but are there some nations that are better at it than others? In her recently released book, The Rules of Infidelity From Tokyo to Tennessee, Pamela Druckerman has collected anecdotal data about how citizens of different countries cheat. You want the short version? Americans can’t deal with it. One little slip and it’s a multi-million dollar divorce settlement, a broken home and huge emotional trauma. The French barely register cheating at all. If anything, for them, it relieves undue stress—a cheaper, happier version of psychotherapy. In Japan, the rule is still hostess bars for the men. As for affairs, it seems they never materialize into full-blown sex. And wherever you go, cheating is mostly for the rich.
It’s unfortunate that Druckerman, a former staff reporter for the Wall Street Journal, did not stop in Thailand. Surely, she would have marveled at the richness and sophistication of extramarital sex here. (If you haven’t read Jan Dara yet, you’re missing out.)
Traditionally, we break affairs down into the mia noi and gig categories. The mia noi (minor wife) is often set up in a second home that is paid for by a man who is already married to another woman. These second households (the mia noi may even have children from her “husband”) make Thailand not unlike polygamous societies where it is accepted that men have two or more wives. The mia noi’s “husband” is often older, meaning she might keep a few sami noi herself—to get her kicks, so to speak. But what may seem like a very light relationship (compared to a genuine marriage) is actually still pretty serious stuff. A mia noi is not a one-night fling, nor does she come cheaply. The commitment in time and money compares to that of the original marriage.
The gig is a more volatile, ephemeral relationship, where feelings are kept to a minimum and sex takes center stage. It’s less sexist, because both boys and girls can have and be gigs. That (and the smaller focus on gifts and money) makes it more appealing to modern Thais.
In a sense, both categories are a form of open relationship—the wife is often aware of her husband’s mia noi, and might even be happy that there is someone to keep him out of her hair. Likewise, having a privileged gig is bordering on an open relationship.
Bee, 39, an executive in a media company, explains, “I have a gig that I see regularly. I know she has gigs too and, of course, I don’t mind because we’re not really in a relationship.” The question most people ask is, “Is it cheating?” (see box)—but before you answer, you’ll definitely need to know the answer to the question, “Am I even in a relationship?”
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SWINGING (INCLUDES SEAFOOD BUFFET)
Back in 1993, swinging was at the heart of a scandalous media storm when Thai Playboy first introduced the idea of swingers clubs. Chuchart Thanamongkolchai, a.k.a. Kungfu, a sex columnist, wrote about swapping spouses with others and started his own club in Ratchada. But he was later arrested and charged with “conducting sexual arrangements,” and swinging went underground. According to Kungfu, most of his clients were high-ranking officials and hiso couples, but none came out publicly to support him. After a series of trials in which he claimed innocence, he was found guilty and was sent to prison.
You might try Pattaya, but your best chance to get in on a swinging good time would be the internet. Try Thai Swingers (www.thai-swingers.com). Their last party was apparently a bit of a flop (it was organized in a public place), but maybe they’ve gotten their act together since.
Thai Swing Party (08-6895-5780, http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/thaiswingparty/) organizes parties up to six times a month where 15-25 people show up: two in Bangkok for couples, two in Bangkok for singles and two in Pattaya. The Pattaya parties are dominated by wintering farang and Thai couples who are ready to drive from Bangkok to meet them. In Bangkok, the crowd is mostly SE Asian (from Thailand, Hong Kong, Kuala Lumpur).
Apparently, there isn’t anything this regular and well-organized anywhere else in the region. You’ll be rubbing your naked shoulders with university lecturers, property tycoons and politicians; when we asked one of the organizers if they weren’t afraid of crackdowns, he said, “We’re not making money off of this, like Kungfu did. He would charge B20,000 a year just for membership. We just cover our costs. We don’t have prostitutes, and we use only dim, private places that change all the time. On arrival, all your phones, cameras, and your ID will be locked away in a safe for the duration of the party.” Free admission for women; couples: B1,500; single guys: B2,500. Inclusive of a seafood buffet.
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