Good morning, class!

(Chorus of voices): Good mor-ning, tea-cher!

What a nice group we have here today. Just to make sure none of you are in the wrong place, this is the “Better Living Through Subsidies” introductory course—a.k.a. “Price Supports for Dummies.” I am Khru Wanpen, and together we’ll be learning how to make government subsidies work for you. Looking at my roster, I see so many industries and interest groups represented here! We have shrimp farmers, pakchee growers, tuk tuk drivers, window washers, stamp collectors, the unusually rich, invisible hands—this is going to be so much fun! Now, are there any questions?

(Man in the front row): Khun Khru, if you don’t mind me saying, I don’t really understand the point of this class. Shouldn’t we just be out there protesting? That worked for the truck drivers, bus companies and rice farmers, right?

I’m so glad you brought up those three groups. Yes, it worked for them. But do you know what they did before they took their cases to the streets? They sat through this course. Here’s what you need to understand: while the process may look like complete anarchy, in fact there is a set of rules to follow. You need to wait your turn, for example. Otherwise the whole system will fall apart. We don’t want to end up like France, do we?

(Chorus): Oh, no, not like France! 

Now, you were all in­­structed to submit a sample proposal in advance. I’ve had the chance to go through them, and, unfortunately, most sounded like ransom notes—far too threatening, people. A tip: it’s probably not a good idea to begin with “Dear Asshole....”

(Snickering)

I would save the rough stuff for only when it’s absolutely necessary. Instead, be nice. Repeat after me: “Could I have a subsidy, please?”

(Chorus): “Could I have a sub-sid-y, please?!”

Not bad, class. Next, who can tell me the most effective means of persuasion?

(Motorcycle taxi driver): Block traffic during morning rush hour?

(Shrimp farmer): Dump a bunch of stuff you can’t sell, like rotting seafood, in front of the Government House?

(Several voices at once): Tea money?

Very good suggestions, class. But actually your best bet is to lobby officials with ties to middlemen who also stand to profit from the subsidy you’re pushing for. You might also invite the relatives of cabinet ministers or other decision-makers to be directors or “consultants” for your company or group—don’t forget their generous meeting allowances! Ready? Repeat after me: “Crony capitalism is key.”

(Chorus): “Cron-y cap-i-tal-ism is key!”

Much better! And before we conclude for the day, let’s try that first one again.

(Chorus): “Could I have a sub-sid-y, please?!”

Outstanding! Class dismissed!